What thoughts come to mind when you hear the word, estrangement? For some people, estrangement means that they are separated from their spouse. The couple is going through a divorce.
I’ve watched movies and television shows over my years of growing up that had a spouse separated from the other one. At least that’s what I thought estrangement meant.
For others, the term means estranged from a family member. This is where this word hits home. I’ve been estranged from my daughter for almost two years.
Estrangement is a “silent epidemic”
Nearly two years ago, after my daughter moved out, I had no idea what to do. I didn’t have any resources. I didn’t know anyone who was going through this.
I felt very alone.
I journaled to get my feelings out on paper instead of bottling it up, as I sometimes did other things. A few months passed before I began researching articles about estrangement.
And I discovered parental estrangement was more common than I realized. In fact, it was what psychologist, Joshua Coleman, appearing on The Today Show, called a “silent epidemic.”
Coleman said that people, parents and adult children, don’t want to talk about what happened. People feel humiliated and ashamed about a child not speaking to them and vice versa.
But the thing is, what do you say to someone who asks how your daughter is?
I can’t ignore the question because people who know us know how close our relationship was. So I tell them the truth — that my daughter and I aren’t speaking. Usually I get a disbelieving look.
I’m not ashamed or humiliated not to mention that we aren’t speaking, but saying much more usually stirs up my emotions. I also usually discover I’m not alone.
Whoever I am talking with says they know someone going through the same thing. While they can’t understand what I’m going through, they at least understand what it is and don’t make me feel horrible.
Causes of estrangement
Estrangement has many different causes. I’ll show you some of the ones I found, but there are others.
1. Divorce
According to Coleman, divorce is one of the most common causes of estrangement.
He says parental alienation can come from a divorce. The alienation happens when one parent speaks badly about the other parent.
In turn, this breaks down the relationship the child has with the other parent. The child no longer trusts or feels comfortable with the other parent.
2. Narcissism
In another article called, “Why Some Grown Kids Cut Off Their Parents,” author Elizabeth Vagnoni has gone through estrangement of her own with her two sons.
She suggests that the rise of narcissism among the younger generation is a cause of estrangement. Young adults feel entitled. They have no empathy for others, and they overreact when they are criticized.
Vagnoni also suggests that the way parents are raising their children has changed over the years. Young adults have been allowed to be disrespectful to authority figures. This gave them the idea that cutting themselves off from their parents isn’t a big deal.
3. Intolerance
In one last article, “Family Estrangment: A Silent Epidemic?,” attorney and writer, Trevor Todd, states several different causes that are most prominent.
Intolerance of a particular lifestyle could end the relationship between a parent and an adult child. This could mean a variety of things, including a marriage of a different race or religion.
4. Unresolved struggles
Todd says even small misunderstandings that build up over time can lead to an estrangement. If a parent and an adult child have had disagreements over an issue, then it could be one side or the other has overreacted or become stubborn.
Of course, this leads to no resolution. Both sides have lost the ability to make amends and make things right.
5. Estrangement syndrome
The sad part of estrangement is that this can be passed from one generation to the next. According to Todd, adult children who are estranged from their parents will have their children who will grow up and be estranged from them.
And the cycle will continue much like it does for abuse and other kinds of negative things we deal with in this world.
Sometimes the cause of the estrangement isn’t clear. I have talked to many others since my own estrangement began. For some of them, they have no idea what caused their situation.
And sadly, we may never know.