scares

What Scares Me the Most About Life

What scares me the most about life is a topic that I didn’t think I could even think about. I didn’t think I could write about what scares me and share it with you, but I’m determined to write about things I’ve never thought about. Push myself to get out of my comfort zone. Live life to the fullest even if something scares me.

Believe me when I say it wasn’t easy trying to decide what to write. This is the kind of topic I would write in my journal and never share with anyone else.

What am I thinking?

As I began thinking about what I would write, so many things came rushing through my head. The first thought was dying. I’m scared of dying. I’m scared of dying too young, scared of dying a crazy death, like drowning or a horrific car accident. I’m scared of the c— word getting me and making me so sick that all I can think of is dying.

My next thought was my house burning down. When I was a young child, and my mom could testify to this, I used to have nightmares that our house was going to burn down.

I was eight or nine years old, and we lived in a two-story house at the time. I don’t remember now what even triggered these nightmares. I do remember my mom sitting on the edge of my full-sized bed and assuring me that it wouldn’t happen.

But what scares me the most?

Being alone for the rest of my life scares me. You may think that it wouldn’t be that bad, but I got a glimpse of it this summer. My son was gone for most of the summer so it was just the three fur babies and me.

I went to my part-time job and tried to stay busy, but that didn’t always help. I ventured to Starbucks so I could write and get out of the house. I did things with my extended family when I could.

But then my thoughts rolled to my parents getting older. I try to spend as much time as I can with them. Of course, I know that goes for anyone that I love and care about. I’ve seen people younger than me die of a sickness or a heart attack or in a car accident.

My brother and his family are close by, but his children are young. They are busy with their kids’ activities. Sure, I get to see some of what they do, but I’m not there for everything, like practices.

I miss the extra-curricular activities and the craziness of having two kids that needed to go in two different directions at the same time. My son got his license this summer so even if he had practice for something, he could drive himself. He wouldn’t need me anymore except to be there for games to cheer him on.

What else about being alone scares me?

But being alone scares me. It won’t be long until my son will graduate from high school and get a job and no longer need me. I like to think he will need me to be there for him even as an adult, but I don’t know that he will see it that way.

As I’ve alluded to, my daughter and I are estranged. We haven’t spoken in over two years. I miss her so much. She and I were so close, but all I can hope is that someday she will come back around. She is always welcome in my house.

Since my divorce was final in 2004, I haven’t dated much. I don’t think I was ready to date the few times I did. But now that things are finally looking up for me, I am ready.

But I won’t settle. I’m going to be picky, and if it means being single for the rest of my life, I guess I will. I don’t want to be with someone who can’t be honest and treat me with respect. I would rather be alone than live the way I did in my marriage. I will never let anyone treat me like that again.

What will I do?

I want to experience great things in life, but it’s much more fun when you can do it with someone else. I  want to move or, at least, get a place in Florida so I can enjoy the ocean more than I can now.

For now, the only thing I know to do is keep my chin up and keep praying. Since things are looking up for me, I hope other good things will follow. And when other good things follow, then maybe I won’t have be scared about being alone for the rest of my life.

What scares you the most?

Leave a Reply